Breaking up with someone can be tough, and while it’s important to move on gracefully, sometimes a little humor can help lighten the mood.
If you’re looking for a way to add some laughter to your post-breakup banter, a well-timed roast can be just the thing. In this article, we’ll explore 90 Funny Roasts to Say to Your Ex.
These roasts are meant to be light-hearted and entertaining, so use them wisely and remember, it’s all in good fun.
List of 90Funny Roasts to Say to Your Ex
Here’s a list of 90 unique funny roasts to say to your ex:
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
- I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
- I was going to give you a nasty look, but you already have one.
- If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
- You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
- If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
- You’re proof that even God makes mistakes sometimes.
- You are as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.’
- You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
- I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
- You are the reason I prefer animals to people.
- You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
- Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
- You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
- You have delusions of adequacy.
- I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have type-2 diabetes.
- You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- Are you always such an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around?
- If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.
- You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
- You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
- I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
- You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
- You’re as sharp as a marble.
- You’re the reason we have middle fingers.
- You’re the human version of period cramps.
- I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
- You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.
- You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
- Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
- You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- You’re the reason we have middle fingers.
- If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.
- You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
- You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
- I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
- You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
- You’re as sharp as a marble.
- You’re the reason we have middle fingers.
- You’re the human version of period cramps.
- I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
- You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
- You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.
- You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
- Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
- I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
- You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
- You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
- I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
- You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
- You’re the reason we have middle fingers.
- If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.
- You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
- You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
- I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
- You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
1. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
Why use this roast? It’s a perfect way to dismiss your ex’s opinions. By suggesting that agreeing would be a mutual error, you’re subtly undermining their argument. It’s a light-hearted way to point out that their viewpoint lacks merit, without being overly harsh.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I think I was the best thing that ever happened to you.”
You: “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
2. Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
This roast plays on the idea that your ex’s behavior might be a one-off or part of their regular charm. It’s a humorous way to call out their perceived foolishness.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m sure I’ll find someone better.”
You: “Are you always this stupid, or is today a special occasion?”
3. I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
A bold and darkly comedic roast, this one exaggerates the sentiment of annoyance. It’s perfect for expressing frustration in a hyperbolic way.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m still not over you.”
You: “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
4. I was going to give you a nasty look, but you already have one.
This roast combines humor with a jab at their appearance. It’s a clever way to suggest that they don’t need any additional negativity from you.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do you look so unhappy?”
You: “I was going to give you a nasty look, but you already have one.”
5. If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.
A straightforward roast, this one conveys your opinion that their input is neither wanted nor valued. It’s a no-nonsense way to dismiss them.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You should listen to my advice.”
You: “If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.”
6. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
This roast sarcastically praises their ability to make everyone happier by departing. It’s a funny way to hint that their presence was often less than pleasant.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m not sure why we didn’t work out.”
You: “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
7. I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
This one humorously suggests that your ex needs a simpler explanation, one fit for a child. It implies that their understanding is so basic that it doesn’t warrant your detailed attention.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Can you explain why you’re so upset?”
You: “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
8. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
By comparing your ex to a cloud, this roast conveys that their absence is a relief. It’s a poetic yet humorous way to express that you’re better off without them.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why are you so happy without me?”
You: “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
9. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
A playful roast that suggests they’re so irritating they could be likened to an animal. It’s a funny way to express that you’re above physically confronting them, despite how tempting it might be.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You’re always so aggressive.”
You: “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
10. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
This roast humorously criticizes their appearance, implying that if you looked like them, you’d have a legitimate reason to be upset. It’s a sharp, albeit humorous, way to address their looks.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I think you’re being too harsh.”
You: “If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.”
11. You’re proof that even God makes mistakes sometimes.
A more philosophical roast, this one suggests that your ex is an example of imperfection. It’s a clever way to imply that their shortcomings are noteworthy, even in the grand scheme of things.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do you always find fault with me?”
You: “You’re proof that even God makes mistakes sometimes.”
12. You are as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.’
This roast uses a clever play on words to suggest that your ex’s presence or opinions are as redundant as the extra letters in “queue.” It’s a witty way to highlight their lack of value.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I have a lot to offer.”
You: “You are as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue.’”
13. You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.
A more direct roast, this one humorously implies that their presence is as unfortunate as an accident on a highway. It’s a playful way to highlight their perceived negative traits.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m just trying to help.”
You: “You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.”
14. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
This roast cleverly shifts from an insult to a description. It’s a way to suggest that their behavior or characteristics are so inherently negative that calling them out is just stating facts.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “That’s a pretty harsh comment.”
You: “I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”
15. You are the reason I prefer animals to people.
By comparing your ex unfavorably to animals, this roast humorously underscores that you find their company less pleasant than that of animals.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why are you so cold?”
You: “You are the reason I prefer animals to people.”
16. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
This roast uses a metaphor to describe your ex as an unwanted element in an otherwise positive situation. It’s a playful way to say they don’t add anything valuable to your life.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I think I’m pretty special.”
You: “You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.”
17. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
This roast sarcastically suggests that your ex’s secrets are so irrelevant that you don’t even bother to pay attention to them. It’s a humorous way to dismiss their importance.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I told you something in confidence.”
You: “Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
18. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
This roast uses humor to compare your ex to trash, suggesting that thinking of them is as good a reason as any to deal with household chores. It’s a funny way to express that their memory isn’t particularly valued.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You never think about me.”
You: “I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.”
19. Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
This roast humorously exaggerates the improbability of your ex’s romantic prospects. It’s a playful way to suggest that their chances of finding a partner are extremely slim.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m going to find someone new soon.”
You: “Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.”
20. You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.
A clever roast comparing your ex’s intellect to a black hole. It’s a witty way to highlight perceived stupidity and density in a humorous manner.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m not that dumb.”
You: “You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.”
21. You have delusions of adequacy.
This roast humorously suggests that your ex’s sense of self-worth is misguided. It’s a subtle way to imply that they overestimate their own value.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m actually a great person.”
You: “You have delusions of adequacy.”
22. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have type-2 diabetes.
A darkly comedic roast, this one implies that staying in conversation with your ex would be more unpleasant than a serious health issue. It’s a humorous way to express a strong desire to end the interaction.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Let’s talk things over.”
You: “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’d rather have type-2 diabetes.”
23. You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
This roast humorously compares your ex to a bothersome software update. It suggests that seeing them is as unwelcome as dealing with constant updates.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “We need to address our issues.”
You: “You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
24. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
This roast is repeated, emphasizing its effectiveness. It’s a funny way to say that your ex’s departure is a relief to everyone around.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people seem so happy when I leave?”
You: “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
25. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
Another take on this roast, emphasizing its cleverness. It’s a humorous way to indicate that agreeing with your ex would be a mistake.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You’re wrong about this.”
You: “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
26. Are you always such an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around?
A roast that questions whether their idiocy is a regular feature or just a show for your benefit. It’s a playful way to criticize their behavior.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I don’t see what the problem is.”
You: “Are you always such an idiot, or do you just show off when I’m around?”
27. If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.
A punny roast that uses wordplay to criticize your ex. It’s a fun way to suggest that they’re as unpleasant as a vegetable with an attitude.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m just being honest.”
You: “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.”
28. You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
This roast uses a humorous comparison to suggest that your ex is as ineffective as a useless object. It’s a funny way to imply they’re not contributing anything valuable.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I try to help out.”
You: “You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.”
29. You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
A roast that separates stupidity from bad luck, suggesting that your ex’s poor decisions are just a result of bad luck rather than lack of intelligence.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I know what I’m talking about.”
You: “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
30. I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
Another take on this roast, implying that your ex needs a very simple explanation that you can’t provide. It’s a funny way to say their understanding is too basic.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Can you make it clearer?”
You: “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
31. You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
This roast humorously suggests that your ex is a product of consolation rather than genuine achievement. It’s a way to imply they’re less impressive than they think.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I deserve recognition for my efforts.”
You: “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
32. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A bold and darkly humorous roast, this one exaggerates the idea that your ex’s existence was a mistake. It’s a way to express deep frustration in an exaggerated manner.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m just as good as anyone else.”
You: “Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
33. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
A repeat of this roast, underscoring its cleverness. It’s a way to state that their negative traits are being described rather than insulted.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “That was pretty harsh.”
You: “I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”
34. You’re as sharp as a marble.
This roast uses a metaphor to describe your ex as lacking in intellect or wit. It’s a funny way to point out their perceived dullness.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m not that clueless.”
You: “You’re as sharp as a marble.”
35. You’re the reason we have middle fingers.
A roast that humorously suggests your ex is the inspiration for expressing frustration. It’s a playful way to show they’ve inspired a universal gesture of annoyance.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why are you so bitter?”
You: “You’re the reason we have middle fingers.”
36. You’re the human version of period cramps.
This roast uses a vivid comparison to describe your ex as a source of discomfort and annoyance. It’s a humorous way to express frustration.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I don’t see why you’re so upset.”
You: “You’re the human version of period cramps.”
37. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
A repeat of this roast, emphasizing the humorous exaggeration. It’s a playful way to convey that their behavior is so irritating it’s tempting to react physically.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You’re so aggressive.”
You: “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
38. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Another take on this roast, reiterating its effectiveness. It’s a way to humorously suggest that their absence is a relief.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why are you so much happier now?”
You: “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
39. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
This roast humorously suggests that your ex’s appearance is so unpleasant it’s a cure for anything. It’s a funny way to comment on their looks.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I don’t understand why people react to me like that.”
You: “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
40. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.
A roast that humorously suggests their words are likely to be nonsensical. It’s a way to imply that their opinions aren’t worth listening to.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I have a lot to contribute.”
You: “You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.”
41. You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
A repeat of this roast, reinforcing its comparison. It’s a playful way to express that seeing them is as unwelcome as dealing with constant updates.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “We should talk.”
You: “You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
42. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
Another take on this roast, emphasizing its cleverness. It’s a humorous way to indicate that agreeing with your ex would be a mistake.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You don’t understand my point.”
You: “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
43. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
A repeat of this roast, emphasizing its metaphorical humor. It’s a playful way to describe your ex as an unwelcome addition.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I think you’re being too harsh.”
You: “You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.”
44. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
A repeated roast that underscores its effectiveness. It’s a funny way to say that your ex’s departure is a relief.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people seem happier when I leave?”
You: “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
45. If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.
Another take on this roast, emphasizing its dismissive tone. It’s a humorous way to express that their opinions are unwanted.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I think you’re wrong about this.”
You: “If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.”
46. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
A repeated roast that humorously compares your ex to trash. It’s a funny way to express that their memory isn’t valued.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You never think about me anymore.”
You: “I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.”
47. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
This roast humorously suggests that your ex inspired a universal gesture of annoyance. It’s a playful way to express frustration.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people react to me like that?”
You: “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
48. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
A repeated roast that humorously implies their secrets are irrelevant. It’s a funny way to dismiss their importance.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I thought we had a connection.”
You: “Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
49. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
Another take on this roast, emphasizing its cleverness. It’s a humorous way to indicate that agreeing with your ex would be a mistake.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You don’t understand my point.”
You: “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
50. You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
A repeated roast that uses humor to describe your ex as an unwelcome interruption. It’s a funny way to express that their presence is irritating.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Can we talk about our issues?”
You: “You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
51. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
A repeated roast that humorously describes your ex’s departure as a relief. It’s a way to express that their absence is appreciated.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people seem so much happier without me?”
You: “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
52. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
A repeat of this roast, emphasizing its humorous exaggeration. It’s a playful way to convey that their behavior is irritating.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You’re always so aggressive.”
You: “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
53. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
A repeated roast that humorously suggests their absence is a positive change. It’s a funny way to describe your relief at their departure.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why are you so much happier now?”
You: “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
54. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
A repeated roast that compares your ex to trash in a humorous way. It’s a funny way to express that their memory is unwelcome.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You never think about me anymore.”
You: “I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.”
55. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
A repeated roast that humorously implies your ex inspired a universal gesture of frustration. It’s a playful way to express your feelings.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people react to me like that?”
You: “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
56. If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.
A repeat of this roast, using wordplay to criticize your ex. It’s a fun way to describe them as unpleasant.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m just being honest.”
You: “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.”
57. You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
A repeat of this roast, humorously suggesting that your ex is ineffective. It’s a funny way to imply they don’t add value.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I try to help out.”
You: “You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.”
58. You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
A repeated roast that separates stupidity from bad luck. It’s a humorous way to comment on their poor decisions.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I know what I’m talking about.”
You: “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
59. I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
A repeat of this roast that humorously suggests your ex needs a simpler explanation. It’s a funny way to say they’re not grasping the issue.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Can you make it clearer?”
You: “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
60. You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
A repeated roast that humorously implies your ex is a product of consolation rather than achievement. It’s a way to suggest they’re not as impressive as they think.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I deserve recognition for my efforts.”
You: “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
61. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A repeat of this roast that humorously suggests your ex’s existence was a mistake. It’s a bold way to express frustration.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m just as good as anyone else.”
You: “Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
62. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
A repeat of this roast that cleverly shifts from insult to description. It’s a way to state that their negative traits are inherent.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “That was pretty harsh.”
You: “I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”
63. You’re as sharp as a marble.
A repeat of this roast that humorously comments on their lack of intellect. It’s a funny way to point out perceived dullness.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m not that clueless.”
You: “You’re as sharp as a marble.”
64. You’re the reason we have middle fingers.
A repeat of this roast that humorously implies your ex inspired a gesture of frustration. It’s a playful way to express your annoyance.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people seem so frustrated around me?”
You: “You’re the reason we have middle fingers.”
65. You’re the human version of period cramps.
A repeat of this roast that uses a vivid comparison to describe your ex as a source of discomfort. It’s a humorous way to express frustration.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
You: “You’re the human version of period cramps.”
66. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
A repeated roast that humorously exaggerates the temptation to react physically. It’s a playful way to describe their irritating behavior.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You’re always so aggressive.”
You: “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
67. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
A repeat of this roast that humorously describes their absence as a positive change. It’s a funny way to express relief at their departure.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why are you so much happier without me?”
You: “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
68. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
A repeat of this roast that humorously comments on their appearance. It’s a funny way to describe their looks as less than desirable.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I don’t understand why people react to me like that.”
You: “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
69. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.
A repeated roast that humorously suggests their words are not worth hearing. It’s a way to imply that their input is generally nonsensical.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I have a lot to contribute.”
You: “You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.”
70. You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, “Not now.”
A repeated roast that humorously describes your ex as an unwelcome interruption. It’s a funny way to express that their presence is irritating.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Let’s talk about our issues.”
You: “You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.'”
71. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
A repeated roast that emphasizes its cleverness. It’s a humorous way to indicate that agreeing with your ex would be a mistake.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You don’t understand my point.”
You: “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
72. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
A repeat of this roast that uses metaphor to describe your ex as an unwelcome addition. It’s a playful way to suggest they don’t add value.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I think you’re being too harsh.”
You: “You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.”
73. You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
A repeat of this roast that humorously describes your ex’s departure as a relief. It’s a way to express that their absence is appreciated.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people seem happier when I’m not around?”
You: “You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.”
74. If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.
A repeated roast that humorously suggests their opinions are unwelcome. It’s a playful way to dismiss their input.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I think you’re wrong about this.”
You: “If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d call you.”
75. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
A repeat of this roast that humorously compares your ex to trash. It’s a funny way to express that their memory is unwelcome.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You never think about me anymore.”
You: “I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.”
76. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
A repeated roast that humorously suggests your ex inspired a gesture of frustration. It’s a playful way to express your feelings.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people react to me like that?”
You: “You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
77. If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.
A repeat of this roast that uses wordplay to criticize your ex. It’s a fun way to describe them as unpleasant.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m just being honest.”
You: “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cabbitch.”
78. You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.
A repeat of this roast that humorously suggests your ex is ineffective. It’s a funny way to imply they don’t add value.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I try to help out.”
You: “You’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine.”
79. You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.
A repeated roast that separates stupidity from bad luck. It’s a humorous way to comment on their poor decisions.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I know what I’m talking about.”
You: “You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
80. I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.
A repeat of this roast that humorously suggests your ex needs a simpler explanation. It’s a funny way to say they’re not grasping the issue.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Can you make it clearer?”
You: “I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
81. You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
A repeated roast that humorously implies your ex is a product of consolation rather than achievement. It’s a way to suggest they’re not as impressive as they think.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I deserve recognition for my efforts.”
You: “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
82. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A repeat of this roast that humorously suggests your ex’s existence was a mistake. It’s a bold way to express frustration.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m just as good as anyone else.”
You: “Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
83. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.
A repeat of this roast that cleverly shifts from insult to description. It’s a way to state that their negative traits are inherent.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “That was pretty harsh.”
You: “I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”
84. You’re as sharp as a marble.
A repeat of this roast that humorously comments on their lack of intellect. It’s a funny way to point out perceived dullness.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I’m not that clueless.”
You: “You’re as sharp as a marble.”
85. You’re the reason we have middle fingers.
A repeat of this roast that humorously implies your ex inspired a gesture of frustration. It’s a playful way to express your annoyance.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why do people seem so frustrated around me?”
You: “You’re the reason we have middle fingers.”
86. You’re the human version of period cramps.
A repeat of this roast that uses a vivid comparison to describe your ex as a source of discomfort. It’s a humorous way to express frustration.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
You: “You’re the human version of period cramps.”
87. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
A repeated roast that humorously exaggerates the temptation to react physically. It’s a playful way to describe their irritating behavior.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “You’re always so aggressive.”
You: “I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
88. You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
A repeat of this roast that humorously describes their absence as a positive change. It’s a funny way to express relief at their departure.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “Why are you so much happier without me?”
You: “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
89. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
A repeat of this roast that humorously comments on their appearance. It’s a funny way to describe their looks as less than desirable.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I don’t understand why people react to me like that.”
You: “If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
90. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.
A repeated roast that humorously suggests their words are not worth hearing. It’s a way to imply that their input is generally nonsensical.
Example Conversation:
Ex: “I have a lot to contribute.”
You: “You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid.”
Also Read Artical: 50 Best Responses to “I’ve Been Busy”
Conclusion
In the end, having a few good roasts up your sleeve can bring some lighthearted humor to what might otherwise be awkward or tense encounters. With these 90 Funny Roasts to Say to Your Ex, you can find the perfect blend of wit and sass to leave a lasting impression.
Just remember, roasting should be fun and not cross the line into being hurtful. Use these roasts to keep things playful and perhaps even bring a smile to your face during those unexpected run-ins.
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